They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You ate ashes out of my bong
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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