I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
