After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
They are going to name an STD after you.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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