i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
bring money and cleavage
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
