Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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