Sober January is a disaster.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
