R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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