I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I don't deserve a penis
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
