Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
