I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
