Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
