I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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