she looked like the bat from fern gully.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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