I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
