she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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