You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
