That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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