i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
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