Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
