a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
