Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
