I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
God I need to hump something, right now.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
