you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
