I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
This toilet bowl is my home.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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