just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
