If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize