whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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