so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
