god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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