There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
