Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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