Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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