Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize