Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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