i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
