They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
