why didn't you poke me back
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
