she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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