Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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