i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
