No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
