my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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