Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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