Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Randomize
