I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
