I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
