I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
