I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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