You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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