my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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