Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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