to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
