i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
