Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
