Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I want to be your penis for a week.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
