Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
