She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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