Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
