I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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