Do you still have your period?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
