As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
