did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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