I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
