she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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