I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize