Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
COCAINE IS GR8
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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